


Leave it All Behind

by Loser_Angel_666



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel and Dean Winchester Use Their Words, Fix-It, Love Confessions, M/M, The Empty (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:13:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29716296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loser_Angel_666/pseuds/Loser_Angel_666
Summary: The empty takes Billie, but leaves Cas behind, the world may be ending again... but at least Cas isn't dead right?"Everyone is gone and there’s really nothing to do now. There’s no next move. No big archangel to help them.All they have is each other and their stupid emotions and the fact that Cas just tried to die for Dean again."
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 89





	Leave it All Behind

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't posted a fic in a little bit and i miss it  
> this show has some serious issues and I can't possibly fix them all, but I shall use fanfiction as therapy anyway
> 
> also this is totally inspired by the taylor swift lyric "i wouldve loved you for a lifetime leave it all behind" because her music destroys me and i love her

The empty wraps itself around Billie. If she made a sound, Dean couldn’t hear it. It wraps around Cas too, swirls around him without touching, unlike with Billie who was swallowed completely. There's another figure who looks more like liquid than solid and Cas is standing tall. It’s like an ice-pick to Dean’s heart to see how ready Cas is to die. How he’d been ready for so long. How Dean had let him walk out. He’s angry then, at Cas for standing there and doing nothing. At himself for not processing it all faster. 

He distantly hears himself yelling out for Cas.

When the empty goes, it goes quickly, with a disgusting slurping sound and Dean looks up, teary eyes wide and horrified. Cas is still there looking dumbfounded.

“Cas?”

Dean’s voice is loud in the suddenly silent room and they can both hear it shaking. Cas turns to look at him and Dean takes a minute to let his brain catch up before he’s scrambling to his feet. He’s not sure if he wants to rush to him, to hold onto him in case it comes back.

“What the hell was that?”

“The empty let me go.”

“Why?”

“It said Billie was enough…” Cas shrugs, his eyes drift and Dean moves his own head to keep the eye contact.

“Will it come back?” he asks frantically.

“I don’t believe so.”

“Well as long as you’re sure!” Dean says, veering on yelling although it’s more worried than angry.

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Cas says and Dean shoves Cas halfheartedly, only his hands end up clinging onto his coat, pulling him closer instead. Dean prefers it like that anyway. 

“You fucking better be.” Cas looks up warily and they’re just looking at each other for a moment, Dean wide eyed and almost crying for real now, holding desperately onto Cas. The sound of Dean’s phone fills the background.

“Your phone is ringing,” Cas says, stating the obvious, but Dean can’t go get it because that would mean letting go of Cas, letting his guard down. If the empty did come back… 

“Forget that, Cas, why didn’t you tell us about the deal?”

“It’s not your burden to bear.”

“But you didn’t have to do it alone, We woulda done something, we would’ve- I would have been there for you,” He emphasizes it with another light shove on the shoulder, readjusting his grip.

“I couldn’t risk it,”

“Oh, Fuck that! No more deals okay?”

“I cannot make that promise,”

“Cas I swear to-”

“Dean, answer the phone please.” Cas sighs and Dean looks at him, gaze hard, before finally answering the call from Sam, his hand dropping from Cas’ shoulder to his wrist.

“What do you want?” He answers harshly, but Sam seems to hardly register that rudeness.

“Everyone’s gone.” Sam says.

“What?” Dean glances at Cas, as if to check he’s still there.

“Just, gone. Not just from the apocalypse world either. Dean… it was Chuck. I think we’re the only ones left.”

“Why would- why would he do that?”

“I don’t know, can you and Cas come meet us? How did Billie go?”

“She’s dead.” Dean is still looking at Cas, who’s not looking back for once.

When he hangs up the phone, Cas looks back at him expectantly. Dean’s brain is on overload, and he wants to tell Cas that he’s fucking pissed, but he also wants nothing more than to tell him that he feels the same. And yet everyone is gone.

“Sam says we’re the only ones left.”

The drive is quiet and Cas looks at Dean hesitantly, unsure of what Dean is thinking or feeling, or what his next move is going to be and Dean feels guilty for leaving him in the dark. He looks at Cas openly, trying to tell him without praying or saying it out loud, that he’s angry, but that it’s okay. He’s not sure Cas understands. He’s still not sure what he’s supposed to do now.

Sam was right, on the drive he sees nothing but empty roads and empty houses. Not a single person. Not a single sign of life aside from the trees and the grass.

When they get out of the car, the two of them avoid each other’s gaze enough to draw a weird look from Sam but he doesn’t comment and Dean is thankful. Everyone is gone and there’s really nothing to do now. There’s no next move. No big archangel to help them.

All they have is each other and their stupid emotions and the fact that Cas just tried to die for Dean again.

Still, when they get back to the bunker, Dean looks at Cas with something a little too meaningful to be nothing, and Sam and Jack head to bed so it’s just the two of them and a glass of whiskey.

They’re sitting in the library. They sit here often, and Dean feels at ease next to Cas, even amidst the grief. He couldn’t be torn away from this man if God himself commanded it.

“How are you doing?” Cas asks Dean. He sounds tired. He sounds so tired, how did Dean not pay attention earlier.

“I feel like I should be asking you that.”

“Maybe we should both answer then.”

“I’m doing pretty awful, Cas.”

“I am as well,” Cas nods, looking down into his alcohol. It’s still basically full, but he drinks it all in one go as if he’s taking a small sip.

“I’m sorry,” Dean says.

“Why?”

“Earlier. Anger’s always my first go-to. And I was scared and- and you were dying and saying things and I’m sorry,” He stumbles over his words, “I’m trying, and I’m not angry with you. You didn’t deserve that.”

“It’s not about deserving. You have every right to feel whatever it is you feel.”

“But I’m not…” Dean sighs, searching his own thoughts for what he feels so he can put it into words. “I’m angry that you made a deal, Cas. I’m angry you didn’t tell us. I’m angry you felt like you couldn’t come to me, I’m angry at myself for shutting you out. But I’m not mad at you for… ” Dean trails off, looking at Cas, hoping he can fill in the blanks.

“I did well enough on my own.”

“Well you clearly didn’t, you were gonna die!” Dean says. “Cas you can’t say shit like that and just die on me, alright? I know you thought you were trying to save me, but that’s no way to do it.”

“You would have been alive to live out your life, there’s not much I can do to help anymore, anyway.” Cas’ voice is sour.

“Bullshit. You’re helpful, Cas. I don’t give a fuck if you have mojo or not. And I don’t care that I’m alive if you’re dead. What was I supposed to do? How am I ever supposed to get over something like that? And what life would I be living? One where everyone is gone?”

“We’ll find a way,”

“And the only reason I still have even a shred of hope is because you’re not gone too.” Dean says and through all of the anger in his voice, there is love there. There is fear and grief and trauma, and there is a man who has always cared so strongly that he didn’t know what to do with it.

Cas doesn’t say anything. He only looks at Dean like he’s not sure what to make of him, but he’s touched all the same. Dean takes a few deep breaths and pours himself another glass of whiskey, trying to keep his emotions in check before he speaks again.

“How are we gonna get out of this?”

“We’ll find a way, Dean. We always do.” Cas promises. Dean looks at him, brow furrowed with emotion, something profound in his gaze, and he nods. They’re both exhausted, and Dean thinks Cas looks like he’s about to send him off to rest, but he can feel the unsaid things tearing through his head. 

Cas would let him walk away and never speak of it again. Cas would leave it as it is. Ignore it like they ignore all the rest of their problems. Pretend it didn’t happen like every other trauma either of them have endured. If it had been even a month earlier, Dean would have taken the out. But now, he thinks to himself that Cas’ feelings are not a trauma he needs to repress. It’s not a problem he needs to fight.

“Cas,” He starts, and Cas can see the conversation on his face.

“We don’t need to talk about it.” Cas says. Dean considers that maybe Cas doesn’t want to talk about it.

Maybe all the stupid thoughts Dean has in regards to Cas happen to Cas about Dean too. Of course he had heard every word of what Cas had said, he’s always known that Cas cares. But it never really sunk in. 

“We’re gonna talk about it Cas.”

“I never expected anything from you. I still don’t.”

“Clearly, you thought you were gonna be dead,” Dean retorts bitterly. “But you can’t just dump that on a guy and then sacrifice yourself,”

“As if you wouldn’t do the same thing,” Cas says, rolling his eyes, Dean almost smiles at that, but then Cas is looking at him seriously again. “I would sacrifice myself for you a hundred times over.”

“You shouldn’t”

“Why not?” Cas says eyes searching, not quite mocking, but Dean feels like he’s being told off. “Because you think you don’t deserve it?” He leans toward Dean over the arm of his chair, only a little “Dean Winchester I have never met anyone more deserving than you,”

“Cas,”

“I don’t expect anything in return Dean.” Cas says carefully, eyes still boring into Dean’s, “I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable with my devotion, Dean, I understand that this is not reciprocated-”

“Fuck, Cas. It’s reciprocated!” Dean says, his eyes desperate, one arm out like he’s presenting himself, finally, for someone else to look at honestly. “It’s reciprocated. You would have died and I wouldn’t have gotten to fucking tell you.”

“Tell me…?” Cas asks softly, his face is a mix of hope, confusion, and complete surprise so quickly it might’ve been funny in any other conversation. Dean lets Cas process for a minute, lets himself process.

“I would’ve loved you for a lifetime.” Dean says, still forceful, although the words are gentler this time. “Leave it all behind,” 

Cas only looks at him and Dean nods, like he’s come to a decision. The words are out now, all Cas has to do is hear them. And he does. His eyes are wide. Dean keeps talking, he’s been holding himself back for so long, now everything has gone to shit, the world is in shambles, and by some miracle Cas is still right here, looking at Dean like he’s everything he could ever hope for and Dean is tired of letting Cas get away with thinking that Dean doesn’t love him just as much, that he doesn’t want him back.

“Cas it ain’t just in the saying. I mean that’s great and all, for you, but you can have it, hell, you already do. You have me. And I’m sorry it took me till now to say it, but I love you. Of course I love you.”

“I love you too.” Cas says, and he’s already said it but it sounds more real now. Confirmation that it wasn’t all in Dean’s head. Cas loves him. He loves him even when he isn’t about to die. Maybe one day they can have this.

“I don’t know about you, and I know there’s an apocalypse we should be dealing with, but I kind of don’t want to be alone right now,” Dean jokes with watery eyes.

“Neither do I,”

“And if there’s anyone I’m gonna spend another apocalypse with it’s you.”

“Are you giving me the ‘last night on earth’ line again?”

“Maybe… ” Dean grins, Cas smiles back at him and shakes his head. Dean puts down his empty whisky glass and stands, turning to offer his hand to Cas.

He takes it and allows himself to be pulled up. He looks down at their hands, holding Dean’s like it’s something meant to be treasured. Like it’s something he never thought would happen. Dean thinks if anything were to happen to Cas now it would ruin him more completely than it ever has before.

They hold hands all the way to Dean’s room.

The next morning, to the outside world, nothing has changed. They’re still just Dean and Cas. And Dean promises them both that after all this bullshit is over he’ll let himself fall into this life completely. He’ll deal with the awkward conversations and the acceptance speech Sam might try to give him, just from Sam’s smile when Dean pours Cas’ coffee for him, he can tell it’s coming. He’s ready. But for now, there’s no one around but them. They have a world to save, or a world to mourn, depending on whether they find a way to fix this.

Later that day Jack senses another presence. An archangel.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading <3 i hope you have a nice day/night


End file.
